Sitting on the train while Paul knits. Why does it make me so happy that he is a knitter?

Interestingly, I appear to only be writing here three years or every year at the most. Right now I can't complain other than about my weight. I think it's higher than ever. It will be very interesting to see if my next doctor visit reveals problems like diabetes or cardiovascular issues. I am also experiencing a lot of stress related to Darla and her alcoholism. I need to confront her and try to get her help, but I'm not sure I know the right way to do it (other than to just do it).

Paul and I are now in an incredible high-rise luxury building with a view of the Chrysler and lots of light on the 54th floor. I still can't believe I'm in it. Wow.

Meanwhile we're in lawyer talks over the lease we had to break to move into the place. Lovely.

Mom's health is good at the moment, but Andy has had a resurgence of melonoma and is on our company drugs in an experimental regimen. That's been a nightmare. I'm so scared for her and the kids, and I'm also so removed from the whole thing, like it's easier to stay in denial about it if I don't engage. That's horrible, but there it is.

I'm depressed a lot lately over things, but mainly I think I've just maxed out my stress level these last few months and need a break. Paul and I went to Mustique in November and it was the most serene I've felt in years. Unfortunately, that seems a lifetime ago. We need another break. How white upper class of me. Anyway, that's all for now.

So that was 2003. Now it's 2006. I've lost more things, sure, but I've become a much better keeper of things than loser of things. I've lost being single, and currently still revel in being attached to Mr. Glenn. Married? Not yet, but we're working on it. I've lost the view of the Empire State Building, but gained a view of a parrot, his 10 "friends" in an aviary, and a lovely, dark, 78th street.

I've gained wait, too, which is something I'd rather lose. I've also lost a bit of my innocence. Mom's diagnosis with non-Hodgkins lymphoma took care of that. I still can't believe it. I can't believe she's with cancer. I can't believe she's so young. I really can't believe she may only have fill in the blank number of years to live. I know, we all have only that long, whatever time frame you fill in, but it is really unsettling to think about your mom that way. It's funny because I'm absolutely certain that there's a bit of self-pity and self-absorption going on in those sentences, but I can't help it. She is my mom, and I love her more than so many other things. She's always been so strong that I just can't imagine this stage of life with her. I've been strong and healthy too, so that also calls into question my unending belief that I'm fine. Come to think of it, this has obviously made me confront my own mortality and realize that I'm not even close to understanding at my core that I'm mortal. There, I said it. I'm so self-obsessed that I cannot even imagine myself not being. Which I guess, actually is a sign of being human. What conscious being can imagine itself as unconscious?

Darla's gained a new man as well. She's happier than I've ever seen her, and it's fabulous. She's not without her problems and challenges, but it's still fabulous. Anyway, yahoo for her, and may more wonderful things come her way.

Finally I want to start recording here my thoughts relative to what's wrong. There's so much wrong these days, that I feel the need to at least express my distaste for it and my wish that it was different. I hope to even express my opinions on how to change things. It at least gives me a creative outlet to explore alternatives to all of the bad news I feel inundated with daily. So there.

O.k., I just rattled off a very witty little first entry, only to hit the wrong button and lose the whole thing. It's incredibly appropriate given the fact that I want to use this space to write about the things I've lost while acclimating myself to the City. It's only been a few months since I started coming to the City (late January to St. Paddy's Day) and already I'm missing my first Blogger entry, a cell phone, my leather jacket (retrieved via Continental Airlines and FedEx), a credit card (cancelled and reissued with different number), and probably some other things that I don't even remember now owning.

And money, that's another thing that I feel like I'm losing. What an incredible experience it is to run through the city handing out cash and credit cards as if there is an endless supply of cash and credit to support me forever. This will be a very interesting financial experience, that's for sure. We'll see.

I have given back to the universe several items of material interest in the past few days. It's called taking a box of packed things over to the trash bin rather than even go through the trouble of unpacking the box. Let's just say there were several boxes of things that it was clear I shouldn't have moved. You just never know until you move something how useless it's going to be on the other end. I've plenty of useless crap, but now less of it than before. And who knew I had so much Christmas decor? I could decorate my entire floor, all six apartments, with the stuff I brought. Again, I'm sure it made sense at the time.

Twilight has ended here and the Chrysler Building is all lit up. My favorite building by far, sure, but I do love also having the Empire staring at me. Plenty to do now before the big day tomorrow. I'll post more later, and hopefully it will all detail the fact that I've overcome my obsession with losing things (including myself when I drive) and have become a very focused and unscattered person. How odd that would be.